I hear this often, but I’m not as mature as everyone praises me for being, nor am I a better person than any one of you guys following this blog. If anything, I’m worse.
I’m fairly young, and in no position to write about life as if I have experienced all there is to live. But the past couple decades of my life indeed have been more than eventful, and these events have made me that much wiser, even if it’s just a little bit. So don’t judge when you hear me say: I’ve been to hell and back, and I fucking love my life. Thank God for my life.
I’ve looked death straight into his cold, soulless eyes so many times, I find it mind-boggling that I’m still alive. I’ve been hit by cars, I’ve hung off a cliff for dear life, I’ve had a person hold a knife at my throat, I’ve held a knife at my own throat, I’ve lost my heartbeat on the operating table, I’ve had multiple concussions, I’ve lost my breath and laid down in defeat to be buried during a snowstorm, I’ve had a truck bumper roll on top of my spine, I’ve overdosed, and more.
There have been times so difficult that I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. When I was blamed for my dad’s heart attack, my mom’s tumor, my potential baby sister’s death, I took it to heart. When I grew up watching the only people I loved become hospitalized, worry about deportation, and fight each other with a burning hatred, I took it to heart. When best friends used me, an ex cheated on me, and my own fam lied to me, I took it to heart. When I was mentally and sexually abused, I kept my mouth shut… and took it to heart as well.
Yeah, all these things have pierced me in every possible direction. And I can’t say that it hasn’t had a great impact on me, because it has. But it’s affected me in a positive way, as cheesy as that seems. I’m still a fucked up person. I have lied, I have stolen, I have physically harmed others, I have done drugs, I have tried smoking a cigarette even though I swore to my dead grandfather that I would never, I have done my parents wrong, I have treated my brother in ways he doesn’t deserve, I have cheated on tests and allowed others to cheat off me, I have talked shit, I have broken hearts, I have wanted others to hurt as badly as I have. Yet despite all the sinful shit I’ve done, I’ve honestly become such a happier, more mature, and more motivated person. I love the fuck out of my family, I adore the shit out of my friends, and I think everything that’s happened in my life was well-deserved and absolutely for the best.
To anyone who’s ever reached that sad bottomless pit in their lives and managed to move on to laugh about it… high five, soldier. Life is a fucking battlefield; it may knock you down and tear you apart, but each surviving day there is hope for peace. And never feel bad for yourself, trust me, because it could always be worse. Just thank the Big Man that we’re alive to suit up another day.